Depressed....

Hey, the reason I haven't been stopping by lately is not only because of school, but because as the title would say, I'm just.....really stuck in a pit of depression right now. I hate my life just because. I hate myself, who I am. I'm so stupid, and ugly, and just....I'm worthless trash who should have died a heck of a long time ago..... The friends I've had in life don't need me. I'm just some stupid, sick, loser who tags along with them until they come up with something better. I'd very much like to die. I don't think I'd care. Perhaps that could change in the face of death, but I just don't care right now. The reason for this would be...maybe because I've just always hated myself. I'm nothing compared to anyone. Anyone, or everyone is something. They can do something amazing, or they can be really good at something. They can be someone. Me? I'm nothing. I can't do anything, and I'm just so stupid. In the end, I'll be left alone again. Every time I try to have a friend, I'm left in the dust and shadows as they move on to someone so much better than I.
I can't do anything like they can. I'm useless. Worthless, rather. Another part of the reason is the typical reason for depression, and not just some mental thing. Since I rarely make friends, I've only got four in real life. I love them to pieces, yes, but they don't like me as much back. Instead, I find out that the one I've really liked and admired, and just practically begged for her to notice me, likes one other of our group. She likes Jessi, but Jessi already has a boyfriend, so she's taken and straight. However, I think it'd be the most fortunate thing for Amber to have feelings for one. That's not me. It never will be, either. That would be your typical reason for depression. That reason has never come up to me before, and it's not really important. It's quite a stupid reason to be depressed, and I hate myself for that, too. I'm trying to get over her. And I don't want to make friends very often, close to at all, to avoid hurting. I never like being around people anyway. So there's no difference to how I'm treated now. I'm just....the outcast. The thing that nobody wants. Frankly, I can't blame them. I don't even want me.
I'm not dying fast enough. I've had this depression a couple years back, and it just never really left. It subsided for a bit, but now it's back. I don't need anyone. They don't need or want me.

Enough about me. I'm sure you're bored to tears listening to me. I don't even know why I'm putting this. Why would anyone care what I want? or What's bothering me? No one should, because I'm nothing. It's not important what I have to say. I know it's absolutely useless for me to ask for help, or to say what I'm feeling, because I know that honestly nobody cares. I'm sure more people care about who ever reads this than anyone ever will for me. So has anyone here had depression like this? Did you get over it? And did you learn anything from it?

I don't expect replies to this. I'm sure nobody cares. My apologies for being a waste of space.

6/7/12 Edit: Sorry about this. Don't know when this was posted, but sorry. It probably was a cry for attention at the time. I'm hoping it'll be deleted some day, really. I could easily pretend it never existed, but I just wanted to apologise for saying this here in the first place. It wasn't right.

okay, before i reply to ANYTHING ELSE im replying to this. just seeing this made me feel like a bad friend for not even knowing how bad this was, or trying to make you feel better, or anything >.< you are NOT waste of space, as well. youre NOT stupid, youre NOT ugly, youre NOT worthless, and youre NOT trash!!! youre NOT a sick loser either!! buddy!! youre none of those things, dont think that! there are people out here that love you, even though you might not notice that, even if you dont love them back! youre one of my best friends, i dont care if you see me the same way. if i didnt know you, id probably not be here right now, because of my own depression that im sure youre aware of. i realize how bad your life is right now, from what ive heard before and what i see here, and i feel so damn bad for you, but you cant concider killing yourself. its not allowed. even if you say you dont have any friends or anything, you do, and there are the people youll meet thatll make you realize that you could never leave them. everyone needs someone, even if its just one person, and you know that me and Fire will always love you. were here for you buddy!! im glad you put this up here, so im more aware of whats going on here, and i can put this up, even if you dont care about what i say. youre one of my best friends, i say again, and i luvs you very very much. i care so damn much, and im going on this rant here, proving alot of what you said wrong, which i think is true. waste of space my ass. youre far from. youre probably one of the nicest people ive ever met, and youre funny, and a great artist and writer and and and everything! im freaking out here! i cant lose you, so dont even think of killing yourself or dying or something. just hang in there buddy, itll all get better, and im always here for you.

You should say things like that. Everyone is an anything. You can have what ever you want in the world you just have to work at it. I Know what you are going through because i was going through the same thing only a few weeks ago. Then I just decided to drop the things that i knew were bring me down. And then things seemed to turn around for me. I'm sure that in a day or two you will be feeling high as a kite. I'm sure like me and everyone on this site we all love you. I know i've only been here for a few days but i already like you. You wanted to started an rp with me right away and i've seen a lot of people come on this site and then just leave. Not wanting to get involved with new people to the site even if they have years of experience rping.

Thanks, you two. I was listening and paying attention to both words spoken, and even if I can't bring myself to believe them, I'm listening. First of all, I wasn't considering suicide, like offing myself by jumping in front of a car or anything. I had actually just been picturing getting stabbed and junk. Perhaps in a couple of days it could blow over, but it didn't a couple years back when I had it, so there's always the other possibility of it not. And hey, I actually feel a bit better for telling someone, so thanks for replying and telling me what you thought.

>.< no problem buddy. Im always here for you, again. im glad you werent concidering suicide, but thats brutal, picturing stuff like that >.< i hope it blows over, i really do, and im glad im not the only one replying here, even though i care so damn much. im glad you feel better telling people. it normally does. i felt better when i told you, even if i still wanted to die, but its all good now, and i hope you feel better soon.

Life itself is just a burden to carry around. It's heavy to carry in the heart, and every day is just a chore to get through.

>.< i admit, it can be, unless you have something to look foreward to. i look foreward to hanging out with my friends, or just talking to them. dont you have at least one thing that you look foreward to all day that makes it worth dragging through each day?

No.... but why would I.... Life doesn't have a meaning for me quite yet, but I'm waiting. Kind of. Well, really I'm hoping I won't live very long in life, but whatever.

hm. youll find something soon, im sure. nobody can go very long without finding something to look foreward to. youll find something or someone, friend or more, i dont know. i hope you find who or what ever soon though, because i dont like seeing these, though ill always read them.

Who knows. I guess I've always been like this since the thoughts have always been there, but it has certain degrees, I should say. School has always been a factor that causes my depression to rise temporarily. It'll settle down eventually, but I think something has to cause that. It did for the last time I was like this, actually. So maybe something will happen to fix this.

hmm well this was a bother. And i really DESPISED melanie's reply to this. I don't care if you have this all solved and shit, i'm interruptting and giving you my fucking thoughts on the matter.

Alright, so you hate yourself, everyone goes through shit that makes them wish they were never born or that they had wanted to fucking die. The thing i HATE about THIS THREAD in particular is the fact that you put it up in a public area. I'm not being rude, i'm stating a point. Putting it up like this looks to me like a scream for attention. You say you hate yourself that you're worthless etc in a public place like that because in your mind you know that people will take pity on you and say 'NO YOU'RE NOT WORTHLESS YOU CAN AMOUNT TO ANYTHING.' right? well that's pretty much the reaction you got now isn't it.

Don't get me wrong, you're my best friend and all but shit like this bugs the fuck out of me and you're getting more and more like Melanie everyday, this is something i would expect from her, not you, you're better then that. and who cares if you dont have many or any friends in real life. As long as you have people that care about you somewhere and want you to stay alive, isn't that enough to not want to kill yourself.

And you know what, you might not ever amount to anything. You might not ever be better then him or her or that random at ANYTHING. WHO CARES! If you look at someone who's better at something then you, there is going to be someone out there better then them at what they do. Maybe that bugs the fucking yell out of them, but it doesnt make them stop what they're doing, lets say drawing for example. Lets say you're really good at drawing and you absolutely love it, there are people out there better then you, that shouldn't effect how you feel if you draw because you love it. That's how I feel about writing, thats how you should feel and if you DONT love it then why the fuck bother doing it. See sometimes being a braggart and a know it all bitch comes in handy because I rarely let people put me down. I will brag and say I'm amazing to people who might be so much better at it then I am. I might know they are better then me, but they see how confident i act and normally wont say anything about it. I take criticism bad though, that's my only downfall.

Someone who wants to kill themselves are weak. You know how if someone gets in a fight or tries something hard and they run away or stop trying because it's to hard or it hurts. That's EXACTLY what killing yourself is. Trying to run away from the fight or problem that is your life. But fights end, you will eventually figure out how to deal with a problem its the same fucking shit with life. SHIT HAPPENS! GET OVER IT! Besides people your fucking age shouldn't even CONTEMPLATE this sort of shit! things can change but you haven't even lived long enough to see that yet! You're not even done school. Hardships haven't even hit you yet. Paying rent. Getting a job. Making a living! You nor I have even had to do this sort of shit yet, and you already want to KILL YOURSELF. ITS NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER. IT NEVER IS! ITS JUST THE FUCKING PUSSY WAY OF GETTING OUT OF IT!

Now do you want some actual kind friendly advice. I'm reluctant to give it, I wrote the paragraph in mostly capitals before i wrote this so I'm not in a great mood, but this is what I have to say. You will find something you care about, one thing at all, one thing you love, maybe something you want to see grow and age, set something you want to do, something you want to change, something you want to see the end of, tell yourself you want to see something in a perspective other then what you've seen all your life. Maybe you want to have a relationship that means something to you. Or live away from your parents in a house you buy with your own sweat and tears. FIND SOMETHING and hold onto it! Mine is to get out of this house I live in, be free, crush Stephanie Meyer and bring back the true meaning of the fearsome vampire, and be as popular as Nova and Twin in the cosplaying community and watch how much my mom may hate it! And i will NOT die until i've seen that through. Does that make sense. It better, because right now i'm royally pissed off. People your age should not be wanting to kill themselves without even seeing life. I will say this once more and once more only because they are the words i fucking LIVE by "SHIT HAPPENS! DEAL WITH IT!"

To melanie. I just read the entire FUCKING THING YOU POSTED AND IM FUCKING OUTRAGED! WORDS CAN NOT DESCRIBED HOW PISSED OFF I AM AT YOU! YOU'RE DEPRESSION! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING DEPRESSED ABOUT! YOU MAKE NO SENSE! YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO LOVE YOU AND EACH OTHER! YOU HAVE PLENTY OF FRIENDS, GOOD GRADES, A PET THAT YOU LOVE, A NICE HOUSE! SO WHAT YOU'RE BROTHER IS A FUCKING DOUCHE! YOU MAY HAVE FUCKING MONEY PROBLEMS BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ANYTHING TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT! THEN YOU END UP GOING AND FUCKING CONTRADICTING YOURSELF! IT'S SHIT LIKE YOU THAT PISSES ME OFF! I HAVE MORE OF A FUCKING REASON TO BE DEPRESSED BUT IM NOT! I SEE WHAT I LOVE! I KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE AND I STRIVE TO GET THAT! NO reason to be depressed! You're just a fucking wussy! you mooch off of other people and when you think life is getting a little fucking hard you want to kill yourself! Try living my life, bitch. You'd see how fucked up life can get!

I'm sorry Fire.... I put this up because I couldn't bring myself to get on Meebo or MSN.... I don't know.... I'm sorry. Even if I know people care about me, none of that comes to mind when I'm hurting. I know people have it so much worse, and I'm just.....spouting nonsense. I'm just a sissy who can't suck up her stupid problems that are absolutely useless. I'm so sorry....I'm sorry.... I didn't know where else to put this exactly, because if I did it in a journal on Deviantart, the person I wished would notice me is there.....but...still, I'm sorry this was a waste of a post.... I'm weak, I know. I might be able to get stronger some time. I know I'd be running away, but I'm not exactly thinking of suicide. Just...images of death pop up from time to time, is all. I'm so stupid. I can't do anything right. I'm sorry.

No, you know what? I just won't talk about this anymore. Yes, I'm a coward and a weakling. I'll quietly accept this and shut up about this now. Sorry.... So....just ignore this piece of junk from now on. It's not even important.

Sasoripuppet....um things aren't looking good I can see that. I just read the post before your and WOW that is a long post. But anyways if you want to talk you can send me a private message and we can hack this little depression thing no problem. Ok?

Yeah, thanks. It's fine. I don't want to bother you or anything, but if the time comes when I'd like to talk, I shall

Alright. And there is no meaning of bugging me. I'm always happy to help someone

All right, thank you very much then

ugh, im srry if i sounded harsh or anything.
you only listened to my criticism though. u should go on MSN.

It's all right, a little bit of criticism works. I'll try to get on today.