Something a Little Different

OK, so I have a little something different for your enjoyment, critique and whatever you might wanna throw my way. You don't have a forum for self written items, so I've put it here for now. Feel free MODS to move it or delete, whichever you feel is necessary. Either way, I don't mind.

What I'm about to put down in this topic and it's subsequent replies is all my own work, nothing is taken from anyone or anywhere. One item, you might find in the UK's National Poet's Anthem of 2003. It was published as part of a competition I entered.

I do need to stress a point with what is in this forum topic. It is NOT for children, or perhaps those with a delicate disposition. Many of the themes for what I write comes from a very dark place I spent a lot of time in many years ago, somewhere I still find myself from time to time. Some are lyrics that I've written, some are poems and others are stories that I feel I am now ready to share with others. Ultimates has been my home now for many years and out of respect for the many wonderful writers here, I wish to share them with you. Enjoy

I wrote this to a tune I had in my head at the time in D Major.

Dream Revelation -
The sun goes down,
Another day dies.
Alive comes the underground,
The creatures of the Night.
I lay in my bed
And close my eyes
As my dreams surface once again.

They scare me, they scar me
Yet I revel in them all.

The blood and the pain,
The tears and the screams.
They fill my head,
They burn my eyes.
The creatures haunt me.
Call me, love me, hate me,
Make me wish I had died.

They scare me, they scar me,
Yet I revel in them all.

The morning dawns.
The creatures return to their graves.
I wake from my dream and cry.
For another day I must wait,
To revel in them once again.

This one, I wrote shortly after my son was born. This is the one I had published. It's called Changed Innocence.

I've often wished for death to release me
From the misery I once called my life.
I even tried calling it!
I hated my life and everything in it.
Commonly called depressed, I allowed it in.
Sucking me in, blackening my soul.
Emotionally dead, I was left with little
Beyond anger and hate.
And then something changed.

A life grew within me, changing my entire being.
A fruit of my passion for a married man, I admit,
But this still didn't take my hate away fully. However,
In the fear,
In the pain,
In the throws of my labor,
I found a moment of pure joy.
I had brought this life into the world.
How could such a world and soul of corruption and chaos
Create such innocence in his eyes?
My soul began to fly with love and expectation,
Watching him grow and become my new life.
Still, my lonliness caused me pain,

So now I lay in bed,
Alone and lost again,
I try and cry myself to sleep.
But sleep will not come for me.
I listen to my son, stirring gently in his cradle,
His innocent dreams taking flight.
I smile and stare at the ceiling,
My mind begins to wander.
My eyes close,
I drift away into dream and know
Things with be better in the morning.

I Wake -

I drown within a sea of tears,
I'd cried the night before.
I feel them trivkle down my cheek,
I know there's plenty more.
I close my eyes and let them fall.

I drift away and dream,
But still I'm haunted.
I wake,
I cry,
I scream.

I'm taken far away,
An ocean of tears flow beneath me.
I feel the loss,
The longing,
The need.
I'd take it all away, if only I could.
My heart fills with burning rage.
My tears burn my cheeks.
"I wanna go home!", I scream in agony,
I hate being in this place.

I'm home again, back in my bed.
I'm laid back down to dream.
And still, you haunt me, "Don't let go!"
I wake,
I cry,
I scream.

Couldn't find the music to fit this.

Broken Hearts -

The darkness calls
The sun is dying
The night draws closer
With the sound of your crying.

Chrous -
Why must it be this way?
Why must your tears fall?
Cry them in solitude
For the Broken Hearts call.

Did he not love you?
Did she not call?
Did they let you down again?
Why won't you listen to me?

Chrous -
Why must it be this way?
Why must your tears fall?
Cry them in solitude
For the Broken Hearts call.

Shut them all out
You know you don't need them
Build your walls tall
Let your soul fade again.

-Chorus-

Hear the Broken Hearts
Hear the Broken Hearts
That's all you ever need to fear.

-Chorus-

Something glitters in the drawer in front of me.  I know what it is, I know why it's there.  More importantly, I know what I want to do with it.  Slowly, I reach my hand in and take the glittering steel blade.  It feels almost too heavy, but it won't soon.  Something tells me I should put it back.  I've got too much that I need to be doing.  Something else tells me it's time to make my mind up.  Be final.  I've had this argument with myself for years, but I've always put the item back.  Not today.  I take the blade and sit down carefully.  I don't want to slip.  I want to do this right.  I don't know why, but I begin to pray.  I used to be a believer, I had faith once.  I know I won't get an answer.  I never did.  Not even when I desperately needed one, all I got in return for my tears was silence and distant ignorant apathy.  I'm done.  The blade opens my skin.  It hurts and I cry out, but I have to be quiet.  If someone finds me before I'm done, I'll be forced to stay.  Blood runs down the wound and begins to pool under my legs.  I keep going.  The first cut is done and I can feel my fingers going numb.  My tears drop into the cut and it stings even more so I put my head back and retrace the line up my arm with the blade.  I have to cut deeper.  The pain isn't so much now.  I think the worst of it is over.  The blood is pouring out now.  I've done enough.  I out the blade down and sit back to wait.  I know it won't be long.  I feel cold and my head spins, so I shut my eyes.  My heart slows and I feel heavy.  It's like I'm falling asleep.  Everything is quiet and dark now and I know that's how it will stay.  There's no heaven waiting for me, no loved ones waiting to collect me from the gates.  And I know there's no hell waiting to drag me down.  No fire and brimstone and no devil to torture my soul for eternity.  There's nothing.  I knew how this would end.

Dear Mother,

I do sometimes wonder just who I am to you,
I've been wondering about it for years.
At times, I felt like your greatest treasure,
But then you drive me to despair and tears.
I've never known what was wrong with me
And you never said what I'd done.
I asked you once, a long time ago.
did you resent me?  You said yes, then made fun.
I'd never felt my heart break like that before.

It's stayed with me, you see.
I've carried it all this time.
And I begin to wonder why at all
It wasn't me that died.
You thought I never knew about him,
But I've known since my teens.
Was I just his replacement?
A second chance at your dreams?

I've blamed you for so many wrongs in my life,
For all the bad in this dear family.
But then I have to wonder on something.
Haven't you done the same to me?
I wish just once, you could be happy for me,
To accept that I have my own life.
I'm happy, I'm settled, but it's never enough.
I'm not a good enough mother, not a good enough wife.
I was never a good enough daughter either.

Maybe it should have been him that survived
Instead of me that still shames your house.
At least I got one thing right, I have to say.
You have two beautiful grandchildren.
They were the one thing I didn't get wrong.
I just chose the wrong fathers, the times and places
And of course, the wrong religion.

I won't say that I'm sorry.  I won't bow down again.
This is my life, my decision, my choice.
I won't crawl back under you apron anymore.
For once, I'm using my voice.

A Pledge To My Family.

I've worked hard to get this far in life
And harder still to keep what I've got.
You guys are the biggest part of that
Whether you understand it or not.
Every smile I see from you
Id a jewel in my heart
Every hug and kiss you give me
Keeps me strong when we're forced apart.

I love you all so very much
And I know things are tough
But I hope you'll keep me going
And that my heart will be enough.
I can't give you all the things you want,
The toys, the gadgets, the game,
But I hope you know I'll keep trying
To bring you those happier days.

For the one that's second on my list
And for all he does for me.
My love, my soul, my partner in crime.
This is something important you'll see.
I'll keep on dreaming that one day soon
Our troubles will drift away
And we can be happy and together again
And one day we'll look back at this and say

WE MADE IT!!!

The darkest hour is always before dawn.  For many, dawn comes to the grateful need and desire.  Those first rays of light that bring hope and new chances.  They get on with their days, unaware and unassuming, perhaps even a little selfish from time to time.  What do they care, after all?  That's the point.  They don't have to care.  So what happens to those few that do care?  Those small insignificant few, they become aware.  The dawn no longer brings the new chances and their hopes and dreams begin to fade into nothing.  Eventually, the dawn just stops coming.  The hour comes, but it never passes and the darkness stays in their souls.  Life becomes a single unending nightmare.  Many of those few can learn to embrace the darkness, the turn the nightmare into a pleasure. Some can even make it happen.  Sometimes though, just sometimes, the nightmare comes back and all the pleasures they thought they had become twisted, hurt and desperate.